Monday, August 8, 2016

12 Plus Months in Retrospect

I have a feeling this will be in segments based upon my moods and how I'm feeling.

Is there any kink to report?  No, not really.  Is there any D/S to report?  Again, no, not really.

Is there reflection and retrospect to report? Yes - most definitely.  

Friday, June 3, 2016

I'm Not Broken

When you have the mentality I do, it can be difficult to let go of things.  After all I've always had a long memory.

And speaking of a long memory - it was this time last year, I remember it like it was yesterday.  I can recall the dates, the events, what happened, even the interactions; but all of that doesn't matter - it's in the past.  Even though I have put it behind me and moved I cannot seem to forget how it all came together and then fell apart.  I've no doubt this is all triggered by the fact that it began last June.

I have dealt with my feelings and emotions and I'm much more cautious about allowing people into my life.  There are times however when I still mourn the loss of it all.  Thinking I could really have it all.  Despite the chaos, turbulence and pain of it all, there are still some pleasant memories.  

The home front is on the upswing as we once again work on rehabilitating our relationship.  He was never on board with the kink and plan to broaden experiences.  He placated me all the while masking his true feelings with alcohol.  There is genuine and uncompromising love although at times it is hard to forget how his actions, despair and illness also broke my heart. Perhaps that was the price I paid for trying to love more than one.

After a 5+ year epic fail, he's once again healthy and has been for nearly 8 months.  The 25 years of sobriety are long gone and was reset in October 2015.  Thankfully almost every day is better than the day before.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Beware of the Narcissist

This is something I wrote and posted on another kink site.  I thought I'd share it here as well.  I hope you enjoy it.
I consider myself pretty on the ball, smart, strong, a good judge of character. With my work, I encounter narcissists all the time. It’s pretty easy to recognize them because the signs and traits just seem to jump out at me; the grandiosity, need to be the center of attention, charming and falling all over themselves, calculating, manipulating. But here, in this realm, it’s not so easy, especially if you are submissive and looking for someone who is dominant.
I know, I know, this isn’t a dating site, it’s a social network for the kinky community. But who are we kidding, really. People are here looking to connect with like-minded people and many are hoping to find that special someone. The narcissists are here lurking and will pick up on vulnerability like a hawk. Skilled predators with keen instincts, they will hone in on your weakness and insecurities and then make their move.
Once you open the door it begins. The constant barrage of affirmations; you’re so smart, you’re so beautiful, we have so much in common, I enjoy being with you and talking with you, I’d love to do this or that with you, you have no drama, how did I get so lucky to find you? And be honest with yourself, you begin to eat it up and your self-esteem goes through the roof. You tell yourself that they are a really great person, caring and attentive and that this could really be something.
You talk or text for hours on the phone – it’s like high school all over again. You can’t wait to get together with them because the two of you are so in sync. Surprisingly, it doesn’t take very long for them to profess their “love” for you. Internally you question it because it’s still so new but you believe it and open your heart up. You ignore the self-serving remarks about their success how generous they are and what a great friend they are. There is subtle competition that begins to play out as they compare themselves to others, especially their ex. You ignore all of this because they profess their love for you along with plans for your future together.
Then all of a sudden there is an instant change like the flip of a switch. The texting, talking, planning has all ended. They are no longer concerned about you, what you are doing or how your day is going. They withhold praise, affection, and concern for your wellbeing. Their interest is elsewhere and you have become too needy and demanding; in short, you are no longer a priority.
You ask yourself “what the hell happened” and push for an explanation and opportunity to get together and sort things out. They will not hear of it, they aren’t interested in talking and sorting things out. Instead they become angry with you and your efforts to have a reasonable discussion. As quickly as they came into your life, they exit it, leaving you reeling and confused filled with angst and profound sadness. This person who had claimed to love you, reached inside of you and ripped out your heart shattering it into a million pieces. You trusted this person, had faith in them, thought that they genuinely cared for you. It was too good to be true you thought to yourself. As it turns out, it was too good to be true.
This cleaver narcissistic person baited you, reeled you in, love-bombed you and then kicked you to the curb. You feel like an absolute fool, a total idiot for not being on top of your game. How did you let this happen?
The narcissistic personality seems to reveal itself when they’ve lost interest or there is conflict. They lack empathy as well as all recollection or memory of what was shared, their feelings, their concern for you and your welfare. Experts believe that narcissists are emotionally damaged and their behavior is a way to alleviate their pain. Of course none of this helps to alleviate your pain. You can remind yourself over and over again that it was all an illusion but it does little to mend your broken heart and restore your faith in people.
Beware of the narcissist and don’t fall victim to their prey; here or anywhere else.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Where to Begin


There's so much that's gone on in the past year but sharing all of the gory details would not be entertaining by any stretch of the imagination.

I'm glad for the experiences but I could have done without the disappointment, hurt, and all of the tears that I shed.

The heart is very fragile and when it's broken or rather shattered, the wounds are deep and painful.

Yes, I have shed many tears over the past year.  I'm not convinced that time will fully heal my broken heart but I do believe that time does teach us how to live with the pain and hurt.  

There were times when I didn't think I'd make it and just wanted to give up but I'm still here and doing my best to stand strong.  Some days are better than others.  Today I'm melancholy and thus the blog post.

Although it's difficult at times, I do try to focus on the good things that came from the experiences I had over the past 12 months.  I'm certainly wiser and more cautious.

As for kink, BDSM, D/s, etc. etc. it doesn't exist, at least not now. Right now it's one day at a time, that's the best anyone could hope for.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Merry Christmas and The Family Stone

I know I haven't written in a while.  Life has been very difficult, challenging, not sure if there are enough adjectives to describe the last 6 months and I'm still not ready to share too much at this time.  Nevertheless, many of us just celebrated the holidays again and I did want to share some thoughts with you. 

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are very important for those of us who practice Christianity and those of us who profess to be Christians but never go to church; although we do keep the spirit of Christmas in our hearts, along with Santa, Snowmen, Starbucks red cups, etc.

Anyway. . . several years ago I saw the move The Family Stone.  It was on TV, not something I had seen in the theaters or ever remembered advertised in the theaters.  I watched it because it had a great cast - in other words, how could it be a bad movie?  For me, it wasn't.  In fact, it was a movie that I have watched over and over again over the past several years.  There are things about that movie that resonate for me on many levels.

Let's take our antagonist Meredith (is she really the antagonist or is the mother Sybil or younger sister Amy the true antagonist?)  In any event, Meredith is uncomfortable going to meet her boyfriend's large family for Christmas.  She comes from a small New England town called "Bedford".  Well there was the first give away.  Her boyfriend Everett seems to be the oldest of 5 siblings - in sharp contrast my husband is the youngest of 6.  Moving on.

When Everett and Meredith arrive, she feels very awkward, dressed her in very proper business attire.  She is greeted and pushed aside so the family members can take a picture together.  She immediately feels out of place. 

As the story unfolds, it becomes clear that Meredith is a fish out of water.  She really is a fun and spirited woman under her staunch and proper exterior.  However, when getting upset with the family (that has taunted her during her stay) she says "I know what you all see. . . the spoiled, racist, bigot, bitch from Bedford")  While I would never consider myself a racist or bigot, the rest was spot on with my in-laws and my husband's 5 other siblings as they viewed me.  I was a spoiled rotten and entitled prima dona.

Every year, for many years, we would gather at the parents' downsized home for Christmas Eve.  I would of course dress like I was going to a festive party - one year a long silk red skirt with stockings and heels and matching sweater, another year matching velvet skirt and jacket, I can't remember the rest of them but you get the idea. 

I lived in what had once been a small farming town called Bedford but it had quickly become a huge bedroom community to the largest city in our state, meanwhile the rest of his family lived in small northern po-dunk towns.  My husband's snottiest sister married well and wanted for nothing.  One year she boasted about her Christmas presents coming from LL Bean, a sweater and a corduroy skirt.  What she professed to have paid for those few items, I could have spun into many more items from Macy's or Filenes.  But then again, I was the "spoiled, bitch from Bedford." 

In the movie there is even a scene where Meredith gives gifts to all the family members of a framed picture of the mother (Diane Keaton) pregnant with one of the children.  I DID THAT, AND I DID IT FIRST!!!!  In all seriousness, my husband had this picture of him and his 5 siblings sitting together for a family picture.  He was probably a toddler at the time in his early 1960's outfit.  I took that picture, had copies made, framed them, and gave them to all the siblings and parents for a Christmas gift from us. 

Of course the way things end in the movie really doesn't mirror how things ended for us.  I didn't end up with my husband's brother, his mother didn't die the next year from cancer (although she did die many years later as did his father).  Nevertheless, there is just something about that movie that draws me in and keeps me there, time and time again. 

I guess at the end of the day, what I'm trying to say is that things aren't always as they seem.  I wasn't a spoiled, racists, bigot, bitch from my home town.  Did I feel like a fish out of water with these small town people?  Yes.  Did I have the luxury of growing up just outside the biggest city of the state and having shopping options that they didn't?  Why yes, I did.  Did that make me a snob?  Racists?  No. 

It's funny because in hindsight, hubby has now become the spoiled one.  He's had the good fortune of acquiring many things with me by his side, but it's still not enough.  It's almost as if he's still trying to impress his parents and older siblings.  Trying to prove that even though he was the youngest, and not expected to amount to anything, he's done well for himself, and better than some of his older siblings.

I guess as the holidays come to an end and we welcome the new year, I'm reminded of the past and how important the future is.  While The Family Stone brings back many memories (and not really fond ones) of my past relations with my in laws, I must always ALWAYS look to the future because there is still so much in front of me, so much that can and will be.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Make You Feel My Love

I can remember when I saw Garth Brooks perform live in Worcester, MA.  It may have been 1992.  He was still up and coming - a rising and shining star. 

I've loved his music for all these years and he is by far one of the most incredible performers to watch.  There have been others who have recorded this song besides Garth but I absolutely love his rendition of Bob Dylan's To Make You Feel My Love that was in the movie Hope Floats

The lyrics, his voice, it's all so perfect, so wonderful.  With everything that's been going on these days, this song helps to put some things in perspective.

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong
I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet
I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

A Tale of Two Men

Maybe she brought this on herself.  Perhaps she shouldn't have tempted fate.  But she couldn't resist and  drank the Kool-Aid.
The whole thing has been a learning experience.  An education in trust, friendship, and love. 
It seems as though the minute things started to progress in a positive way, there was an about-face.  Her beloved, her soulmate, had started to unravel.  Demons buried deep inside resurfaced.  It was as if the past had returned and she had gone Back to the Future.  All of a sudden it was 1985 again. 
But they had already crossed that bridge, overcome those hurdles.  Why had they returned?  Why were they here threatening their love, commitment, and relationship.  She had lived this nightmare once and didn't want to live it again.  Could she possibly be strong enough to endure the madness for a second time.  After all, isn't this supposed to be the time in their lives when they coast peacefully into the golden years? 
Before too long, she was beginning to question whether she would be coasting through the next chapter of her life or taking a ride on the Tower of Terror.   
While things began to implode, her other relationship had taken hold.  The mutual affinity had grown stronger but the rug had been pulled out from under them.  Had this new relationship fed the demons?  No one was sure but it certainly didn't seem to help.
He had become her friend and pledged his love for her.  She was drawn in and he reassured her that he would be there for her and support her.  Sadly, it became clear that she could no longer meet his needs.  Even though they continued to talk and explore options, he eventually felt the need to move on. 
She remained optimistic, things would work out, one way or another; they had to.  Although they had not yet invested a lot of time in the relationship, in her mind it seemed strong, viable.  But questions arose in her mind; had they moved too fast? Was it just an infatuation or perhaps lust ~ wanting someone who was unattainable?  Could this relationship possibly be strong enough to endure and withstand all of the other uncertainty in her life.  
He told her that she needed space and time to decide what she was going to do.  In the end, it turned out to be him that needed the space.  Communication became flawed.  She was overcome with feelings of rejection; no longer a priority in his life.  She knew there wasn't an easy fix but the harder she tried to keep the relationship viable, the more angered and frustrated he became with her.  He had put up walls that she could not break down.  
She began to question whether he had ever really loved her; whether he had genuinely wanted to remain friends.  Had it just been a physical attraction and all about the sexual intimacy?   Once she needed him, it became too much.  Had the strain on her other relationship stirred demons from his past?  Was it easier for him to push her away.  She'd never know.
Trusting that he would be there for her but learning that he had not signed up for this and wanted no part of it.  He wanted someone who was easy and didn't bring drama to the table.  Didn't he realize that relationships aren't easy and there is always going to be some element of drama and conflict.  People aren't perfect; relationships aren't perfect.  The true test of a relationship is how people handle the drama and conflict that is thrown at them while not letting it destroy their relationship. 
In hindsight, she knows that there were things she could have done differently.  But there was room for improvement on his end as well.  Did she try too hard when he wanted much less?  He seemed to have zero patience for the unpleasantness and was uncomfortable with her efforts to try and talk things out. 
She has replayed it over and over in her mind but knows she may never have an answer.  She needs to stop analyzing it after all what's done is done.   
  Worthy Hits's photo.
Unsettled confusion continues to reign in her other world.  She must cultivate her mindfulness and assume the stance of an impartial witness to her own experience. She can listen to the voices in her head but needs to find a balance between her heart, her brain, and her intuition.  She has not given up hope but knows that she cannot continue on the same course.
Her heart isn't just broken, it's shattered - not by one man but by two.  She knows that what doesn't kill her will only make her stronger.  Unfortunately she wishes this lesson could have been driven home differently.   
When all is said and done and the dust settles, she wants to be with someone who wants her, will wait for her and make her a priority,   They need to be strong and resilient and understand her even through the madness.  Together they will help and guide each other with their support, hope, and love.